Get... Get...
Up!
You missed!
You missed this time, you little menace!
I beat you!
Morning.
Honey, you're getting all upset over nothing.
- I'm not getting... - Here.
A nice breakfast will cheer you up.
I am not getting upset over...
- What is that? - It's bacon.
I know it's bacon.
What have you done to it?
You said you didn't like all the grease from fried bacon...
so I boiled it.
What is Lane doing up at this hour on a Sunday?
Doesn't he turn to dust if the sun hits him before noon?
It's tryouts for the high school ski team.
He's going up to Mt. Brody with Beth.
Sure he's going up with Beth.
He can't do anything without that girl.
I tell you, Jenny, that boy is obsessed.
Now, honey...
obsessed?
Do we not throw things away when they're empty?
What in the name of all that's holy...
Badger likes the prizes you can get...
from cutting the coupons from the boxes.
He's mailing them today.
Can't you wait until the...
Lane, a closet door can be closed as well as it can be opened.
Sorry, Dad.
Dear, your breakfast is getting cold.
It's all right, Mom. I can't have breakfast today. I got tryouts.
Nervous stomach. Don't wanna throw up from the chairlift again.
Had to buy that guy a new hat last time. Bye, Dad.
Memorandum. I would like to take a meeting with you tonight...
to discuss that vehicle you purchased several months ago...
yet has darkened our driveway, immobile, ever since.
Okay, Dad. Noted.
Talk to you tonight. I gotta pick up Beth.
Ricky.
Don't be so shy. Come on.
Monique, this is Ricky.
Ricky, this is Monique...
the French foreign exchange student who'll be staying with us.
It's an awesome spectacle...
and a vicious display of seething opponents...
once again paralleled in an obstinate attempt to prove...
superiority of the roads unequal in our lifetime.
The crowds swell with anticipation as the lights turn green!
You stupid bonehead! I'm gonna activate your dental plan!
Come here, you idiot! Get out of this car!
If he asks me out, of course I'm gonna go out with him.
I mean, he skis the K-12.
Yeah. He's so boss.
I'll tell him after tryouts. You know how he gets when he gets upset.
Yeah. From the chairlift.
He had to buy the guy a new hat last time.
Lane's here. I gotta go. I'll call you later. Bye.
He's the only person in Greendale...
that's ever skied the K-12 from the glacier and lived.
Man, what a hunk.
Listen up. Your running time has to be...
under 58 seconds to even be considered for the team.
Your time will be gauged along with a rating...
of one to ten on your style, which will be judged solely by me...
and my vast expertise of skiing technique.
Why don't we have you sorry-looking lot of hopefuls make your way up.
You future members of the girls' ski team can all keep me company...
until it's time for you to take the track.
- Who'd like to hold my clipboard? - Me! Me!
You'll make a fine little helper. What's your name?
- Charles De Mar. - Shut up, geek.
- What's your name? - Beth.
That's my favorite name.
- Buenos dias. Roy Stalin. - Hola. Lane Myer.
I can see you and I share one common desire...
the desire to be a part of the well-oiled machinery...
that is the Greendale High School ski-racing team.
- The desire for victory. - Well, l...
Right on! Get up there, and let's see what you got.
- Ready up there? - Yeah. We're all set.
What is the next victim's name?
"Myer. Lane Myer."
Is that as in Oscar Mayer?
That's a roger, dude.
You were standing with Oscar.
Is he your main wiener man?
Don't listen to Stalin, kid. He's a punk.
Now, you show 'em, Rock.
You show 'em how a skier really skis.
- We're sending him down. - That's a roger. Counting down.
Drei, fry. Go!
Too bad. Real close. Next.
Listen. I think we should talk.
We've been seeing an awful lot of each other lately...
and I really think it's in my best interest...
if I went out with someone more popular...
better looking, drives a nicer car.
Six months! Six months, and she dumps me for him.
For Stalin.Just like that.
Six damn months!
Truly a sight to behold... a man beaten.
The once-great champ...
now a study in mawkishness.
No longer the victory-hungry stallion...
-All right. -we've raced so many times before...
but a pathetic...
washed-up, aged ex-champion.
Let's go!
Someone's gonna see God.
I'm gonna break your goddamn neck!
Get outta the car!
Hello. How was your day?
- Beth broke up with me. - That's nice.
We're through. That's it.
What the hell? Wait a minute here.
Wait. This is death here.
I haven't even been to New York City.
Jesus. I haven't even been anywhere.
Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.
Greendale is a bodaciously small town.
It's a flyspeck on the map...
a rest stop on the way to a ski slope.
I can't even get real drugs here.
Stalin's a hero, the only one in this town who can ski the K-12.
You're a great skier, but he's incredible.
What if I ski the K-12? You think she'd take me back?
I'm back to suicide again.
I think we're all going to enjoy this little treat.
I got the recipe from the Ladies'Home Journal.
The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together.
But what I couldn't read I improvised with my own ideas.
You see, it's got raisins in it.
You like raisins.
There is still one more thing I would like to discuss with Lane.
The subject is...
is the mystery car.
Thank you, honey.
Which even as we speak...
darkens our domain under a moldy tarp.
You do know the car of which I speak?
- Yeah. I just never... - Let me refresh your memory.
Cast your mind back.
It's a crisp September morning.
You borrowed $200 from me to purchase the car...
mainly because your girlfriend Beth said it was...
I believe the term was "tasty."
Since then, that "tasty" car...
has slept in an auto cocoon on my front lawn.
I'll get around to it.
Have you seen the exchange student who's staying at the Smiths's house?
Perhaps you should go over and welcome her to our town.
I think she would like that.
Mrs. Smith probably got her so that weirdo son...
could see what a real girl looks like.
You know, he never goes outdoors.
Just sits in that house, crochets all day long.
The Chapmans had their exchange student...
stay with them for six months.
He practically became a son to Jules and Irene.
You mean that kid from El Salvador?
Can I be excused? I'm not feeling well.
I'm just gonna be excused.
I can't figure it out, Badger.
You seem smart. Why waste your time with all this kid-stuff garbage?
You're almost eight.
It was love at first sight.
Red dog! Red dog!
92, 7 4, 16, 43!
Bring it home, mama!
Got it! Got it!
So, how do you like Greendale?
Fine.
And the school system, you find it adequate?
School hasn't started yet.
She itched her nose. I wonder if that was...
some kind of message to me that there's something on my nose.
That's funny. He wiped his nose after I did.
Maybe I got dirt on my nose when I itched it.
God, he's too embarrassed to tell me.
I must look sickening.
There she goes again. What could it be?
Dirt? Relish?
Relish on my nose? How gross.
- She might think it's... - Usually Nazis.
Not that. Please don't let it be a booger.
Not now. Please, God.
I don't get it. How could...
How could she throw away six months?
I mean, six months?
Just like that?
No explanation, no reason.
Just throw it away.
Doesn't...
How can you just throw away six months?
I mean, when you're in love with someone...
Six months is just... I'm history.
Just bam! Like that, I'm gone.
She's probably just testing me.
A big test.
That's probably... That's her.
That's her.
-Johnny. - Four weeks.
Twenty papers. That's two dollars.
- Plus tip. - I don't have a dime. Sorry.
Didn't ask for a dime.
Two dollars.
Well, it's funny, see. My mom had to leave early...
to take my brother to school and my dad to work 'cause...
Two dollars. Cash.
The problem here is... my little brother, this morning...
got his arm caught in the microwave and...
and my grandmother dropped acid and freaked out...
and hijacked a school bus full of penguins.
So it's kind of a family crisis.
So come back later? Great.
Breakin'up is hard to do
Don't take your love...
- To me, and she's gone -And she's gone
Fifty ways to leave your lover
Hurts so bad
They say that breakin'up is hard to do...
The three cardinal trapezoidal formations...
hereto made orientable in our diagram...
by connecting the various points...
HIGK, PEGQ and LMNO...
creating our geometric configurations...
which have no properties, but with location...
are equal to the described triangle CAB...
quintuplicated.
Therefore...
it is also the five triangles...
composing the aforementioned NIGH.
Each are equal to the triangle CAB in this geometric concept.
Therefore, in a like manner...
the geometric metaphors...
can derive a repeated vectoral sum.
This was your assignment...
and I would like to see the results.
Please, take them out.
Oops.
Sophia.
- And Buster. - Please!
- Me! Me! - And... Beth.
- And... - Please! Please!
- Please, please! - Mr. Myer.
Please join us at the blackboard...
and show us your solution to this paltry geometric dilemma.
Sorry.
For God's sakes, would you relax?
- It's just our virginity. - Yeah, I agree totally.
I feel like we should tell someone or do something.
I can get my dad's Polaroid or something.
- What was that? - What was what?
I heard something.
We're in the most secluded place in the Northern Hemisphere.
I assure you we are totally alone.
Come on.
What's wrong?
That thing I put on me... it broke.
Broke? It broke?
- Take it easy. I'll buy a new one. - I don't want a new one!
- Do you know what that means? - I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Now, now. I'll see you all tomorrow.
Just remember to memorize pages 39 to 110 for tomorrow's lesson.
- All right! - Cool!
I just can't wait till tomorrow.
Wait for me at my locker.
Listen...
I've been thinking about what you told me last night...
and I've decided I'm gonna help you.
How?
I've been going to this high school for 7 1/2 years.
I'm no dummy.
I know high school girls.
Two things. One...
how about your sax?
The thing about Roy is he plays the guitar.
- He does? - Yeah. Girls love that.
- Why don't you take up sax again? - Number two?
The K-12, dude.
You make a gnarly run like that...
and girls will get sterile just looking at you.
Would you stay behind? I'd like a word with you.
We'll do this.
Talk to you later.
Yes, sir?
This is a bit awkward.
Yes, sir.
Well...
I've heard a few things, and...
Well, I was wondering...
if you would mind if I took out Beth.
And I love you so much
'Cause I met you in first grade
Yes, I love you
What'd you go and do that for?
Really. Why?
That's sick.
"Sick"? I love you. How could you dump me for him?
Face it. You're a no-show, a loss.
You're immature. You can't do a single thing by yourself.
You're a spastic Nerf bag all the time.
And besides, Roy can ski the K-12.
How could I enjoy high school with you as a boyfriend?
Any girl in this school would be overwhelmed to go out with me.
Chris Cummins? You haven't got a chance.
- She'd go out with me in a second. - Listen, you forget.
Chris Cummins dates the basketball team.
Not certain members of the team. The whole team.
You so much as talk to her, you're dead.
So let's just say you give it up.
Yeah, Oscar Mayer. I think that's a fine idea.
I will not give it up!
You'll be sorry. Someday you'll want me back!
Sorry.
I'm gonna get some milk.
Just one milk.
I'll be okay.
Watch this.
- Can I borrow these a minute? - What's the idea?
Just for a minute.
Here. Buy yourself another leotard. Be back in a minute, okay?
Excuse me.
I was thinking...
you skate, I skate... we skate.
- Maybe we could get together and... - You're a jerk.
be a skating team.
- I was saying before... - See you later, guys.
Let's go! Let's go!
- What? - What are you doing?
- Nothing. - Yes, you are.
Buck up, little camper.
- We'll beat that slope together. - Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm right behind ya, buddy.
Man, it's a real shame when folks be throwin' away...
a perfectly good white boy like that.
If I could get past this first lip, the rest would be a breeze.
I'm telling you...
Hold on! Wait one second.
I think I'm on to something here.
This is pure snow. It's everywhere.
Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Outrageous.
I think I froze the left half of my brain.
Look. I can't move my right arm.
- Will you get serious? - Look, dude...
it's Christmas Eve.
I could be home right now drinking this monster eggnog...
my brother makes with lighter fluid.
You've been staring over that edge for hours.
People die down there.
And dying when you're not really sick...
is really sick, you know?
This is very important to me. I mean, really.
If I don't believe in myself, I'm nothing.
I'll be as bad as Ricky Smith.
He sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray.
- I gotta do it! - He snorts nasal spray?
Know where I can score some?
- Are you gonna help me or not? - All right. All right.
I'll tell you what to do.
Go that way really fast.
If something gets in your way, turn.
What a coach.
I'm gonna do it.
All right! Now turn!
Hello, Beth? Hey, it's Christmas.
I was thinking maybe me and you could...
No, we didn't open our presents yet.
You did.
The cutest thing ever.
From Roy.
A giant teddy bear bigger than you.
Sounds great.
It really does sound good.
Look, I gotta go. The Christmas tree's on fire.
Now open this one next.
I remembered how much you liked...
the chocolate-nut brownie in this one.
And look, corn in seasoned sauce. He likes corn.
Now, come on. Don't be shy. Give her your present.
Come on. Give her your present.
Come on.
That's a Christmas present.
Do you have Christmas in France?
Christmas.
Yeah. It's from Ricky.
You can take that wherever you go...
to always remember your trip to the United States.
How come you're so small?
Now. Everyone's gonna be wearing one of these this year.
Honey, what have you done?
There.
It's real aardvark fur.
Really?
Well, honey, it's sure...
warm.
- Now for the best part. - What?
The hood.
Everybody's gonna be wearing one of these.
Isn't it fun?
- What is it? - I'll show you soon. Almost there.
- You'll see it in a second. Ready? - Yeah.
- Okay? - Okay. All right.
Al, you fixed the windows.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Wait a minute, Mr. Bear. This is crazy. I bet we get her back.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Your book on how to pick up trashy women came today.
Tell me something.
What's a little boy like you doing with big-boy smut like this?
Hi. I was just wondering...
I know that we don't even know each other...
but I know that you were going out with that girl Beth.
I can see that you're not going out with her anymore...
and I was wondering if perhaps I could just be with her...
go to the movies, have a soda.
- Can I talk to you for a moment? - Yeah.
Come in here and sit down, please, young man.
- Look, I'm sorry about the garage. - Let me give you the bottom line.
It would be entirely beneficial...
if you were to reenter the sociological mainstream...
by reengaging in the ritual act of dating members of the opposite sex.
I don't wanna date other girls. I wanna date Beth.
I'm sorry to inform you that you are going to start dating other girls.
- Starting tonight. - Oh?
Tonight at 6:00, you're picking up Joanne Greenwald.
- Your law partner's daughter? - That's right.
The one with the big antenna on her face?
Come on.
Mellow off.
It's a brand-new year.
There's a New Year's Eve dance at your school.
- You kids love this disco thing. - Disco? Come on, Dad.
You are really... bringing me over, man.
- 6:00. - Right off.
- On. - On. Right...
All right, Joanne Greenwald, you horrible thing...
here's your one chance to go out with a real stud.
One night with me, and she'll probably go blind with ecstasy.
Poor creature.
I hope she doesn't grab on to my leg and start...
crying when the date's over.
God, what do you do?
All right, Joanne Greenwald.
Hi, Joanne.
Pal, let's get something straight. I don't wanna go out with you...
and I'm just doing this as a favor to my dad, right?
- I know you're happy to be... - Right.
So let's make it a whole lot easier on ourselves, shall we?
First, we'd have gone out to dinner. That's ten bucks apiece.
Unless you're a cheapskate...
but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
-Thanks. -I would've ordered double desserts.
That's $22 altogether. Tax and tip... 25.
Making it a grand total of $26.37.
Half of which is approximately $13.67.
Why don't you give me that 13.67, and we'll call it a night?
- Do you take checks? - Sure.
You never know if you're the victim or the fool
Only know I can't stop thinkin'about you
Love was good until you took it on the run
But I fell too hard I guess I ain't the one
Starin'the night away
Don't know where you are
Callin'out your name
This crazy feelin'
Of a one-way love
You want a sandwich?
Sure?
Face to face I had no secrets to hide
Well, you sure got my vote for cutest couple.
Better shave her a little closer before you kiss her good night.
"You better..."
"You better shave..."
I've been searchin'every day
Tryin'to find another way
I'd be better off dead
Than to live without you
I'd rather be a fool
I'd be lost with someone new
I'd be better off dead
Than to live without you
I've been searchin'every day
Tryin'to find another way
I'd be better off dead
Than to live without you
I'd rather be a fool
I'd be lost with someone new
I'd be better off dead
Than to live without you
I've been searchin'every day
Tryin'to find another way
I'd be better off dead
Than to live without you
I'd rather be a fool
I'd be lost with someone new
I'd be better off dead
Than to live without you
I'd be tempted
I'd be better off dead
Than to live without you
You're the best thing that ever happened to me
I knew right away
It's okay.
I was planning on having my nose flattened by a professional anyway.
You're that French kid staying with the dorkheads... Smiths next door.
We're neighbors.
Me Lane.
Monique Junet.
I can't believe you're here tonight
Who told me dreams don't work out great
You do speak English, don't you?
That's okay. I don't speak French.
I had no idea where you'd gotten off to.
You shouldn't make me worry.
I see you've made Monique's... acquaintance.
A number of times, yes. She's a delightful girl with a firm grip.
Mother will pick us up at the entrance of the school.
She'll be very disappointed if we aren't right...
at the entrance of the school.
Tell you what. Why don't you wait in the front of the school?
And when Mom gets here, you have her honk the old horn.
Monique and I would like to continue our conversation.
You should not upset Mother...
ever.